Goops and How to Be Them — A Closer Reading

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In Category - Fantasy Juvenile Worlds

Authors: Burgess, Gelett, 1866-1951 Digital Source: Project Gutenberg Gutenberg Release Year: 2011 First Publication Year: Not confirmed

Key Word: Etiquette; Etiquette for children and teenagers; Etiquette -- Juvenile poetry Target Reader: Readers of public-domain and historical texts

Book Edition: Project Gutenberg digital edition Book Language: en

Edition facts

Words 5,573

Reading time 25 min

Text sections 2

The catalog record for Goops and How to Be Them — A Closer Reading provides practical reading context through 5,573 words, 25 min estimated reading time, and 2 detected text sections.

The text analysis averages about 21.9 words per sentence, while the detected sections provide another way to judge how the source is divided.

Project Gutenberg metadata also associates the work with “Etiquette,” connecting these edition facts with the source record’s subject description.

Source: Project Gutenberg record #36664

Gelett Burgess's 1900 manual uses grotesque, featureless Goops to teach etiquette through humorous verse and negative example, contrasting their messy, greedy behavior with polite alternatives in short, rhythmic poems.

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Description quality20 pts
Title & short description10 pts
Source metadata20 pts
Text length15 pts
Chapters / structure15 pts
EPUB file integrity20 pts

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Edition quality

File: pg36664

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Produced by David Edwards, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM

A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants Inculcating many Juvenile Virtues Both by Precept and Example With Ninety Drawings

NEW YORK Frederick A. Stokes Company Publishers

COPYRIGHT, 1900, BY GELETT BURGESS

TWENTY-THIRD PRINTING, MAY 9, 1935

_Printed in the United States of America_

Introduction _Page_ 1 Table Manners--I 3 Table Manners--II 5 Cleanliness 7 Neatness 9 Courtesy 11 Generosity 13 Consideration 15 Miss Manners 17 Borrowing 19 Memory 21 Books 23 Honesty 25 "Why?" 27 Bed-Time 29 Modesty 31 Disfiguration 33 Bravery 35 Tidiness 37 Patience 39 Fortitude 41 George Adolphus 43 Politeness 45 Gentleness 47 Hospitality 49 Pets 51 Remember 53 Curiosity 55 Willy 57 Clothes 59 Helpfulness 61 Quietness 63 Order 65 Teasing 67 Interruption 69 Cry-Baby 71 Caution 73 Tardiness 75 Obedience 77 Church Headaches 79 Perseverance 81 Doll-Time 83 Combing and Curling 85 Cheerfulness 87

_Of these Rhymes, ten first appeared in_ "St. Nicholas," _and are here reprinted by permission of the_ Century Company.

Let me introduce a Race Void of Beauty and of Grace, Extraordinary Creatures With a Paucity of Features. Though their Forms are fashioned ill, They have Manners stranger still; For in Rudeness they're Precocious, They're Atrocious, they're Ferocious! Yet you'll learn, if you are Bright, Politeness from the Impolite. When you've finished with the Book, At your Conduct take a Look; Ask yourself, upon the Spot, _Are you Goop, or are you Not?_ For, although it's Fun to See them It is TERRIBLE to Be them!

The Goops they lick their fingers, And the Goops they lick their knives; They spill their broth on the tablecloth-- Oh, they lead disgusting lives! The Goops they talk while eating, And loud and fast they chew; And that is why I'm glad that I Am not a Goop--are you?

_TABLE MANNERS.--II._

The Goops are gluttonous and rude, They gug and gumble with their food; They throw their crumbs upon the floor, And at dessert they tease for more; They will not eat their soup and bread But like to gobble sweets, instead, And this is why I oft decline, When I am asked to stay and dine!

The Goops they are spotted on chin and on cheek, You could dig the dirt off with a trowel! But _you_ wash your face twenty times every week, And you don't do it _all_ with the towel!

The Goops are all dirty, and what do they do? They like to be dirty, and stay so. But if _you_ were dirty, you'd wash, wouldn't you? If you needed a bath, you would say so!

Goops leave traces everywhere-- Gum stuck underneath the chair, Muddy footprints in the hall, Show that Goops have been to call; Shoes and stockings on the floor Show where Goops have been before!

I wonder why it is polite In shaking hands, to give your _right_. I wonder why it is refined In passing one, to go _behind_. I wonder why it is well-bred, If you must sneeze, to turn your head. Perhaps the reason is because The Goops, they never have such laws!

When you have candy, do you go And give your sister half? When little brother stubs his toe, Do you look on and laugh?

The greediest Goop would give away The things he didn't need-- To share the toys with which you play, That's generous, indeed!

When you're old, and get to be Thirty-four or forty-three, Don't you hope that you will see Children all respect you?

Will they, without being told, Wait on you, when you are old, Or be heedless, selfish, cold? I _hope_ they'll not neglect you!

No matter how you wish For the last one on the dish, Miss Manners has a right to it, not you; And the largest one of all, Or the nicest, big or small-- Well, I think you'd better leave her _that_ one too!

Whose doll is that on the table? Whose book is that on the chair? The knife and the pencils and other utensils, Now how do they come to be there?

Didn't you say they were borrowed? You'd better take back just a few! If _you_ lent your playthings, I think you would say things If no one returned them to you!

My teacher taught me, yesterday, A very pretty piece to say; But when I try to think of it, I can't remember it a bit! My head's so full of toys and such, I can't remember very much!

My teacher told me yesterday "_Work when you work; Play when you play!_" When I am playing with my toys I am the busiest of boys; But when I study or I work I'm 'fraid I _am_ inclined to shirk!

I have a notion The Books on the shelves Are just as much persons As we are, ourselves.

Continue Reading →

Gelett Burgess's Goops and How to Be Them (1900) presents etiquette instruction through a cast of grotesque, nearly featureless creatures whose every action violates decorum. The book's central conceit—that children learn politeness by observing the impolite—is established in the opening poem: “Politeness from the Impolite.” The Goops are defined by their lack: “Void of Beauty and of Grace,” they have “a Paucity of Features.” Their misdeeds are cataloged in short, rhymed verses covering table manners, cleanliness, courtesy, and dozens of other domestic virtues. Each poem pairs a description of Goopish transgression with a direct or implied model of correct behavior, often addressing the child reader in second person. The verses rely on exaggerated physical details—licking fingers, spilling broth, leaving “gum stuck underneath the chair”—to make the lessons memorable through absurdity.

Negative Example as Pedagogy

The Goops never reform; they remain perpetually rude. Burgess uses them as static foils, not characters who learn. In “Table Manners—I,” the Goops “lick their fingers” and “spill their broth on the tablecloth,” while the speaker declares relief at not being a Goop. The poem ends with a direct question: “are you?” This pattern recurs throughout: the Goops embody a fault, the speaker models the opposite, and the child is invited to self-assess. The method relies on contrast rather than precept. In “Cleanliness,” the Goops are “spotted on chin and on cheek” to a degree that “you could dig the dirt off with a trowel,” while the reader is reminded that washing occurs “twenty times every week.” The exaggeration makes the negative example vivid and comic, while the positive behavior is stated plainly. Burgess never explains why manners matter; he assumes the child will prefer not to be a Goop.

Rhythmic Repetition and Catalog Structure

The poems are built on simple, repetitive meters—mostly anapestic or iambic tetrameter—and frequent refrains. “The Goops they…” opens several verses, creating a chant-like quality. In “Table Manners—I,” the first two lines begin identically: “The Goops they lick their fingers, / And the Goops they lick their knives.” This parallelism makes the behavior easy to remember and recite. Many poems list multiple offenses in quick succession: “They throw their crumbs upon the floor, / And at dessert they tease for more” (“Table Manners—II”). The catalog form allows Burgess to cover many rules in a small space. The book’s table of contents lists 44 topics, from “Table Manners” to “Cheerfulness,” each treated in a single page or less. This structure suits the intended young audience, presenting discrete lessons that can be read aloud one at a time.

Physicality and the Grotesque

Burgess dwells on bodily functions and mess. The Goops are “gluttonous and rude,” they “gug and gumble with their food,” and they are dirty enough to require a trowel. In “Neatness,” they leave “gum stuck underneath the chair” and “muddy footprints in the hall.” The poems emphasize tangible, sensory consequences of bad manners: crumbs, dirt, noise. This focus on the physical makes abstract concepts like courtesy concrete. The Goops themselves are described as “Extraordinary Creatures / With a Paucity of Features”—their lack of detail makes them universal stand-ins for any child’s misbehavior. The illustrations (not reproduced here) presumably reinforce this grotesque simplicity. The humor arises from the gap between the exaggerated Goopish behavior and the mild, reasonable alternative. Burgess never moralizes; he simply presents the Goops as disgusting and lets the reader draw the conclusion.

Goops and How to Be Them rewards reading aloud, with its strong rhythms and comic exaggerations. The verses are short enough to hold a child’s attention, and the repeated question “Are you a Goop?” invites participation. Because the book presents each rule in isolation, it can be used as a reference for specific situations. Readers may notice that the Goops never appear in the positive examples—they exist only as warnings. This consistent framing makes the book a distinctive artifact of turn-of-the-century didactic children’s literature, where humor served as the vehicle for moral instruction.

I’ve often thought the Goops—those blank, blundering figures—carry the same weight as the grave verses in An Essay on War, in Blank Verse; Honington Green, a Ballad; the Culprit, an Elegy; and Other Poems, on Various Subjects — Text and Context. Both teach through absence: the Goops show us what manners are not, and war's blankness shows peace. I’ve shelved them side by side for years, and they seem to nod, quietly, to each other.