A Humorous History of England — Key Ideas to Explore

And did a lot of useful things; Built Oxford with its noble spires And mapped out England into Shires.

Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains. They sailed right up our rivers broad, Putting the natives to the sword. "Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated 991 Towns by them were devastated. Etheldred the 'Unready Toff' By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off.

Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns. We'll merely mention that he tried An object lesson with the tide. Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess. He couldn't conquer love of wine And with him went the Danish line.

Edward Edward the Confessor staid the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, And signed the first 'Will' in this land. And since his time ('tis not refuted) Scores of Wills have been disputed. Ah! legal quibbles such as these Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

Harold Harold last of the Saxon line 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine And lost his life--it was to be, Crushed by the men of Normandy. From Scandinavia they'd come, And made fair Normandy their home; William the Whence William spying out our shore, Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more. 1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day In that tough fight out Hastings way. Of course, no record in our reach, Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach.

William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, Conqueror If only they'd existed then, 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile To 'snap' King William's happy smile. They made him King and schoolbooks say He ruled with arbitrary sway; Demanding with sharp battle axes Instant payment of big taxes. Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell He introduced the Curfew Bell; So at the early hour of eight Each doused his glim, raked out his grate. In bed at eight P.M. each day Life was but sombre, dull and grey; No cutting fancy ball room capers, No Cinemas or evening papers. He was a bully it is true, But to allow him his just due He made reforms; he also took In hand the bulky Doomsday book.

In William's time we're glad to write People began to be polite; Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux. The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain Bringing much knowledge in their train Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks' Expelled them with no word of thanks. Feudalism These were the well known Feudal days, Tenants were slaves in many ways To mighty Lords who owned the land And ruled them with an iron hand. Not free from duties were the Lords, The King could call upon their swords And men to fight in time of need. So feudal laws of old decreed.

William Rufus William Rufus or the 'Red' 1087-1100 In ten-eight-seven ruled instead; This may be; but we know, alack, Though he was red his deeds were black. Crusades The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, 1095 A million men, a very hive, Swarm to the East, the Holy plain From the Mohammedans to gain.

Henry I. Henry the First, of wisdom rife, 1100-1135 Saxon Matilda makes his wife, Saxon and Norman line uniting, A learned chap who loved not fighting.

Stephen Stephen of Blois ascends the throne 1135-115 And 'gainst Matilda holds his own; Grandson of the Conqueror; Died in eleven-fifty-four.

Henry II. Henry the Second claims our rhyme 1154-1189 'The hardest worker of his time'; A wiser King we never had Nor father with his sons so bad. Becket This the first 'Plantagenet' King With Becket strove like anything; Church v. Which should be Master, Church or Crown Crown Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down. Thomas was murdered by four Knights On steps of Altar--Sorry wights: With bleeding feet the King atones By pilgrimage to Becket's bones. Despite his struggles with the Church He knocked the barons off their perch, Fifteen hundred Castles razing In a manner quite amazing. Law Trial by jury further grows; The King's Court in this reign arose; Our Parliaments from this proceed And all our other Courts indeed. Linen Linen's first used in twelve-five Woollens alone in vogue before. Glass Windows In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass The novelty of window glass. And doubtless playful little boys Full of children's simple joys, Cracked as our youngsters often do With stones or ball a pane or two. Richard Coeur de Lion from one Crusade Coeur de Lion Returning was a prisoner made. 1189-1199 But Blondel played an Air he knew, The King joined in; Voila the clue. This catchy tune in a pleasant key Opened the door to liberty.